Sometime last week while engaging in random conversations with a guy I recently met, he made an observation about me that no one - literally no one I've met - had ever made. I was taken aback by it at first, and then my defense mechanisms kicked in, and I countered his observation with a question to which he responded and left me shocked, yet again.
What my guy friend observed is that I was dealing with abuse. In a bid to hide my shock which might have indicated he was right, I said he could only have deduced that about me if he was dealing with abuse as well. He did admit to being abused and being the person I was, I wouldn't leave the matter at that. I asked questions.
His aunt had abused him several times while he was just a child, an all too familiar story but with opposite characters. By the time he hit puberty, he had grown addicted to pornography and masturbation. He told me about having to get himself to recover from all that, and the how difficult the process was for him. He is 29 years old.
I was shocked and ashamed when he told me. Shocked because I had never met a man who was abused (or maybe I have and just don't know), and ashamed because a woman like me had done that to him. While I know his experiences had nothing to do with me, I felt shame and that was the only explanation that came to mind as to why I would feel ashamed. Aren't we supposed to be the guardians, the nurturers?
I know about abuse not particularly because I lived through it, but because I now have three people who have trusted me enough with their experiences. It makes me wonder just how many people I know who are walking around with this ugly past.
The first time I heard about another experience other than mine, it was from a girl I had gotten close to in college. She told me how her uncle fondled with her privates, and not only hers but her younger sister's as well. I now realize that I could have spoken up about my experiences to make her feel less alone in this, but I didn't, a decision I now regret.
What I am seeking to understand is how do people recover from this? Many times it feels I never grew beyond that point in my life. Like a part of me is still trapped in the past. I can't get get closure. One of the people who know this about me urged me to come out to my family, because he believes it will help me in dealing with it, however, it will be a very very difficult conversation and one which I don't feel like I am ready to have yet. Even though I can talk about it with other people, I can't discuss it with my family. Not just yet.
Any survivors of out there? How did you deal?
Great post, Ms. Laraba!! Time to get those "perspectives" straightened out. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very tuff situation to overcome. I have had the same experience at different times in my life. I never beleived it (like they say you tuck it away) till I was told by a man, I think you have been abused or something due to you dont know how a man is suppose to really love a women. Then another time was while I was working at a hotel in my teen years from a stranger on the street, of course rage set in and I went after this man. So I really never let the hurt come it was only the rage and still to this day. The first time was with a fellow friend of the family and that memory is so supresed (spelling Iknow) I still only remember bits and pieces, I was like 10! I am now 41 and have still not come to tell my family (mom) and I probably never will, they do say it is best to confront the attacker and tell family the ones close to you but till you are put in that situation, you can say what you want. I have only found peace with the things that happened by letting it go, not sayn that is the right thing to do or that you should do that but take baby steps towards being able to talk to your family. I have grown to be a strong person with a personality of standing up for what I believe and speaking my mind. I believe it is due to these things that happened to me and other things of a divorced family. My question is, Why do they say it is good to confront your attacker and talk about? I know it can eat you up inside but once I put it out of mind I was fine and haven't had those feelings again of pain. Now mine may not be as bad as your situation but know there is people like me that will listen and give you encouragement through out your life.
ReplyDeleteThis is very much appreciated! A part of me is consumed by anger, but I am slowly letting go of that..It took a great deal to even acknowledge my anger.
DeleteI am going through several options and trying to decide what would be the best way to go about dealing with and overcoming this, but I want you to know that your story has encouraged me and I am eternally grateful!
Unfortunate scars; I pray God give you the wisdom to soar above those gray clouds. The sun is shining...though you can't see it yet. God bless your journey.
ReplyDeleteAmen and amen! Thank you so much. :)
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