I Can Not Not Be a Feminist..Or So it Seems

So I stopped identifying as a feminist. It's hard to say if it is going to be permanent because a part of me still identifies with certain feminist ideas, and I guess it always will.

I chose feminism because it was an outlet for the anger I had suppressed all my life. An anger that I haven't quite dealt with, but I'm learning to, one day at a time. It was very easy and convenient to call myself a feminist and go H.A.M on anything or anyone that was even slightly misogynist. The truth is, I did not like what I did, not even one bit. Interestingly, I didn't know that I didn't like the angry girl I was.

Shortly after I realized how I had been using feminism as a channel for my emotions, I was hit with another realization, and this pushed me further away from identifying as a feminist. I was thinking through a couple of things and it occurred to me that there might actually be some sense in the existence of various gender roles, and basically, men and women were not made to be compete against each other, but rather, complement each other. It didn't make sense to me then, if we were made to complement each other, then why am I, why are we fighting this war of the sexes? This bugged me for a while because I knew the answer. Men seem untouchable, especially if they have just raped, abused or treated a woman unjustly, as if that is not enough, the women victims are blamed; women are denied opportunities for being women, not for being incompetent, etc.

So while a part of me saw the point of the feminist movement, another part of me was beginning to see how pointless it was.

I tried to analyze it in my own context, that of an African, and a Nigerian woman, because I believed that would make a lot of difference, and it did but slightly. I came to understand that for me feminism might mean fighting different battles than my American or Asian counterparts, but battles nonetheless peculiar to women. Our struggles were different but there was no doubt that some of them might be the very same across borders, so I took into account the geographical differences as well as a difference in cultural values.

I am a 23 year old Nigerian woman, and it is expected that I should be making plans, if I haven't already, to "settle down"..in my husband's house and bare kids, and do whatever else is expected of married women. As much as I understand that none of this is bad in anyway, I have fought it in the past. Probably because we (women) are expected to be defined by our husbands. It is as if we can't be individuals in our own right, we move from being our fathers' daughters to our husbands' wives. At any point a man must claim ownership of us.

So here I am seeking balance. While I don't identify with many issues feminists in other parts of the world may be dealing with, I am stuck dealing with a few of my own that are just as peculiar to me. It is difficult for me not to see the point of wanting to fight for better opportunities for myself and other women, yet, at what cost?

Do I wish rape culture wasn't promoted by victim shaming/blaming? Yes. Do I wish more girls would have access to schools and not be denied due to the fact that they are females? Yes. Do I wish there were (stricter) penalties for rapist/child abusers, especially in Nigeria? Yes. Just how can all that, and other issues be dealt without being labelled as feminist?

One good thing that has come out of all this is my willingness to be more than just a couch-activist for women's issues. So yay, I guess.