Surviving My Late Twenties: Quitting the Job

There is nothing like a capitalist holiday to remind you of all the ways your life is not going as it ought to. Alone again on Valentine's Day, what's new?

It's 2018, and so far, nothing has happened to convince me, or at least indicate, that the year will be different from 2017. And, dear god! 2017 has been the most emotionally daunting year ever, only to be compared to the Summer of 2005. 2017 was dark and heavy and filled with unhealthy coping mechanisms and suicidal thoughts and therapy and a few respites, enough to keep me hopeful, enough to keep me going.

I survived. I am here. And 2018 is not looking different. Or maybe it is, because I decided to quit my job last week. Something I should have done since last year, because, you see, if I had to list the situations in my life that completely threw me off balance and left me disillusioned in 2017, then my work situation would be on the very top of that list. But, you see, work is something you cannot live without. Okay, maybe not work, but definitely a steady means and stream of income, especially if you're to survive on the grid. So, I continued to show up, even when my spirit was so broken that I would often cry on my way to work. I showed up, and frankly, I gave it my best.

Two weekends ago something shifted into place. Monday morning came, I went in as usual, only this time, my first task was to draft my resignation notice. I turned it in before the day ended, and that was that.

I used up most of my savings too apply for graduate studies shortly before the holidays, so this means that I damn near broke and will most definitely be living with mom and dad again. None of that scares me, if I am being honest. Or, perhaps, none of it compares to the relief and the feeling of freedom which I am now enjoying. There is also a familiar feeling of assuredness and certainty which I often get when I have done something which deeply honors me. Of course it's unclear what lies ahead, but if I made it through 2017, I am certain that there is nothing in my path which I won't crush, or gleefully glide over, depending on what the situation calls for.

Saturn Return

Did I already mention that it is also my Saturn Return? With that in mind, a lot of what has happened in the past year does not seem unprecedented. However, I find myself wondering that if I have already dealt with so much before Saturn even hits the exact point it was at the year of my birth, what other difficulty could the Universe possibly cook up and dish out? I am not daring or even preempting the Universe here, just honestly wondering.

For a person who often needs to be in control and certain of all things at all times, leaving a decent job to fall back on nothing at all is sort of an extreme sport. However, I feel that this is a necessary step in my becoming, and I need to learn to embrace uncertainty anyway. Needing to know what will happen in order to protect myself from unpleasant surprises has not really stopped those surprises from coming, or even adequately prepared me for handling them when they did.

Happy Valentine's Day. Maybe one of these days I will write about losing the love of my life in the shit-storm of a year that was 2017. I wish you all the love and peace.