Confronting My Fears: Marriage

Two days ago I asked my older sister why marriage was the topic that [seemingly] dominated our conversations - mine and hers, as well as mine and others'. She answered saying "because it's happening a lot among people in our age group." This made sense, and I began to wonder why I hadn't thought of it prior. 

Since reducing my Facebook visits to once, at most twice, a week, it seems like a week doesn't pass by without a marriage related updated. This often includes proposals, weddings, and new births. On a really good week, I find all three lined up on my homepage as if someone was deliberately taunting me. 

If nothing else, the regular updates from my [Facebook] friends support my sister's claim that a lot of people in my age group (25-30) are getting married. Though these marriage related updates have nothing to do with me directly, they do have some implications for me. The most annoying, which many singles in the aforementioned age group can attest to, is answering questions from relatives and family friends about when my turn will be. 

The other implication, that is apart from worrying about purchasing too many aso-ebi's at often too high a cost, is thinking (often worrying) about how I don't want to get married and how I can possibly avoid it altogether. Indeed while I rejoice with and for people I know who have taken this bold step, they're often a reminder of deep seated fear I have. 

I do not come from a broken home. My parents have been married for thirty-five years, they say they're happy and I believe them. They have raised their three girls along with at least three other children from deceased siblings, and have done a tremendous job at it. As far as role models are concerned, I believe I have good ones. Note, this is not to say that my parents' marriage has been ride in the park. I would be lying if I said that there weren't circumstances in their marriage that have fed my fear.

My fear is largely fed by the rate of infidelity and [physical] abuse that happen in marriages and how they seem to be ignored by parties within and outside the marriages. Below are some cases of infidelity and abuse that I have come to be aware of:

Case 1: a newlywed, at most two months into the marriage cheats while out of town for a short while.

Case 2: in their second year of marriage, this woman finds out her husband has denied her and his child to a woman he was dating 

Case 3: in this marriage, most arguments turn into a fight where the woman is at the receiving end of the beating. Ten years and counting

Case 4: an argument between the couple in case 2 heats up, and the husband hits his wife. She was pregnant with their second child. 

These are only three marriages but I know more, with similar issues. I see/hear these stories and I think why the hell would I want to get myself in such a situation for? I am certain that there are other circumstances in these marriages that I am unaware of, but are these circumstances so good as to make up for [continued] abuse and/or infidelity?

If I can neither trust nor be safe [which is an issue of trust] around the person I am married to, why would I want to stay in that relationship?

I don't undermine the support that spouses provide, or at least, are supposed to provide each other. And I have come to understand that marriages serve a higher purpose than the solidification of a romantic relationship between two people, however my fear still stands. And no, thinking that if I do get married my marriage would be an exception does not help either. I can bet one or both parties in the aforementioned marriages believed their marriages would be different. 

What's more worrying is our society's up-turned nose towards divorce. It's almost as if once you're in you can't get out no matter how bad the situation gets. There's some religious basis [in Christianity at least] for that, but I strongly believe that the need to shame others in order to feel better about ourselves also drives our general attitude towards divorce. As such, my aunt who has been in a physically abusive marriage for ten years has stayed put, in spite of both families (hers & his) being aware of the abuse.

Perhaps we have come to take for granted the deeper significance of marriage and as a result have no regards for the greater consequences of our actions within the institution. Perhaps romantic love alone is not sufficient to sustain our marriages, and we need to seek deeper to find what will? Or maybe this is really what marriage is *cringes*,  and dealing with issues like these and somehow not losing one's self is the test that married couples are supposed to endure?

Here’s what I have come to believe: marriage has [seemingly] become a mere societal expectation we're supposed to fulfill upon reaching, and exceeding a certain age.  It is not necessarily clear why we should do this, and it seems we largely don't care [and if we do, then we are not talking about it enough]. As a result there are many failed marriages where parties involved have resorted to living out the rest of their lives in misery, very likely due to negative attitudes [at least in this society] to divorce.

While writing this I had an epiphany that has surprisingly resolved some of my doubts. It occurred to me that it would take two people who understand and agree on what the purpose of marriage is for the marriage to work. They also have to be willing to fully participate and take seriously their roles and responsibilities within the institution in order for it to function properly.

If the above is the key to a successful marriage, or at least gets couples on the right track, then I’m aware of a few couples who need to reevaluate their relationship. And don’t even get me started on hopeful singles who need to question their understanding and willingness to perform within the institution.

Brilliant Life Tips

Titled "Advice For College Grads from Two Sociologists", this made so a lot of sense to me! Check them out, I hope one or two of them resonate within you as they did with me!

1. Don’t Worry About Making Your Dreams Come True

College graduates are often told: “follow your passion,” do “what you love,” what you were “meant to do,” or “make your dreams come true.”  Two-thirds think they’re going find a job that allows them to change the world, half within five years.  Yikes.

This sets young people up to fail. The truth is that the vast majority of us will not be employed in a job that is both our lifelong passion and a world-changer; that’s just not the way our global economy is. So it’s ok to set your sights just a tad below occupational ecstasy.  Just find a job that you like.  Use that job to help you have a full life with lots of good things and pleasure and helping others and stuff.  A great life is pretty good, even if it’s not perfect.

2. Make Friends

Americans put far too much emphasis on finding Mr. or Ms. Right and getting married. We think this will bring us happiness.  In fact, however, both psychological well-being and health are more strongly related to friendship.  If you have good friends, you’ll be less likely to get the common cold, less likely to die from cancer, recover better from the loss of a spouse, and keep your mental acuity as you age.  You’ll also feel more capable of facing life’s challenges, be less likely to feed depressed or commit suicide, and be happier in old age.  Having happy friends increases your chance of being happy as much as an extra $145,500 a year does.  So, make friends!

3. Don’t Worry  about Being Single

Single people, especially women, are stigmatized in our society: we’re all familiar with the image of a sad, lonely woman eating ice cream with her cats in her pajamas on Saturday night. But about 45% of U.S. adults aren’t married and around 1 in 7 lives alone.

This might be you.  Research shows that young people’s expectations about their marital status (e.g., the desire to be married by 30 and have kids by 32) have little or no relationship to what actually happens to people.  So, go with the flow.

And, if you’re single, you’re in good company.  Single people spend more time with friends, volunteer more, and are more involved in their communities than married people. Never-married and divorced women are happier, on average, than married women. So, don’t buy into the myth of the miserable singleton.

4. Don’t Take Your Ideas about Gender and Marriage Too Seriously

If you do get married, keep going with the flow.  Relationship satisfaction, financial security, and happy kids are more strongly related to flexibility in the face of life’s challenges than any particular way of organizing families.  The most functional families are ones that can bend.  So partnering with someone who thinks that one partner shouldsupport their families and the other should take responsibility for the house and children is a recipe for disaster.  So is being equally rigid about non-traditional divisions of labor.  It’s okay to have ideas about how to organize your family – and, for the love of god, please talk about both your ideals and fallback positions on this – but your best bet for happiness is to be flexible.

5. Think Hard About Whether to Buy a House

Our current image of the American Dream revolves around homeownership, and buying a home is often taken for granted as a stage on the path to full-fledge adulthood. But the ideal of universal home ownership was born in the 1950s.  It’s a rather new idea.

With such a short history, it’s funny that people often insist that buying a house is a fool-proof investment and the best way to secure retirement.  In fact, buying a house may not be the best choice for you. The mortgage may be less than rent, but there are also taxes, insurance, and the increasingly common Home Owners Association (HOA) fees. You may someday sell the house for more than you bought it but, if you paid interest on a mortgage, you also paid far more than the sale price.  You have freedom from a landlord, but may discover your HOA is just as controlling, or worse.  And then there’s the headache: renting relieves you from the stress of being responsible for repairs. It also offers a freedom of movement that you might cherish.

So, think carefully about whether buying or renting is a better fit for your finances, lifestyle, and future goals. This New York Times rent vs. buy calculator is a good start.

6. Think Even Harder about Having Kids

One father had this to say about children: “They’re a huge source of joy, but they turn every other source of joy to shit.” In fact, having children correlates with both an increasedsense of purpose in life and a long-lasting decrease in individual and marital happiness.  Having kids means spending a lot of your short life and limited income on one source of joy. It’s not a bad decision. But it’s also not the only good decision you can make. We want to think we can “have it all” but, in fact, it’s a zero sum game. You have only so much time and money and there are lots of ways to find satisfaction, pleasure, and meaning in this life.  Consider all your options.

7. Remember: If You Change Your Mind, You’re Still Right!

For some reason Americans feel ashamed when they discover they’re wrong.  So much so that we often refuse to admit it or go on the counter-attack.  Being told we’re wrong, though, is really great!  It means we have a good chance of not making that mistake in quite that way again. That doesn’t mean it feels good, but it is a very good thing to learn how to accept that we’re wrong – and, trust us, you will be, lots and lots of times, about many different things — without treating every correction as a threat to our very identity.  So next time someone corrects your facts, logic, or point of view, say “Hey thanks!”

8. Listen When People Point Out Your Privilege

One of the hardest ways to be wrong involves saying something that is inadvertently prejudicial. When someone points out that something we said or did was racist, sexist, ableist, homophobic, classist or otherwise, we often feel attacked.  Remember, though, that if someone bothers to engage with you on this kind of issue, it means they thinkyou’re worth it.  It’s really easy to write someone off as racist; it’s much harder to start a dialogue on the issue. If they do the latter, it’s because they’ve decided that you’re a good person who’s worth their time and energy.  So instead of launching into an explanation for why and how you can’t possibly be prejudiced, ask “Can you tell me what you mean?” and listen listen listen.

9. Make Allies and, Yes, Change the World

C. Wright Mills one said that sociology was both terrifying and magnificent.  It is terrifying because it teaches us that our lives are not ours to determine, but are subject to cultural norms and institutional forces over which we have very little control.  It’s magnificent, however, because once we can see the system for what it is, we can agree to change it. In other words, we’re stuck in a system not of our own making, but we’re in it together.  So, when you come across an unfair workplace, an unjust law, a biased educational practice, or some other injustice, know that — with the right allies, hard work, and a little luck — you may just have the power to change it.

About the Authors:

Lisa Wade is a professor of sociology at Occidental College. You can follow her on Twitter andFacebook.  

Gwen Sharp is a professor of sociology at Nevada State College. You can follow her on Twitter.

 

http://thesocietypages.org/socimages/2013/05/24/advice-for-college-grads-from-two-sociologists/