Confronting My Fears: Marriage

Two days ago I asked my older sister why marriage was the topic that [seemingly] dominated our conversations - mine and hers, as well as mine and others'. She answered saying "because it's happening a lot among people in our age group." This made sense, and I began to wonder why I hadn't thought of it prior. 

Since reducing my Facebook visits to once, at most twice, a week, it seems like a week doesn't pass by without a marriage related updated. This often includes proposals, weddings, and new births. On a really good week, I find all three lined up on my homepage as if someone was deliberately taunting me. 

If nothing else, the regular updates from my [Facebook] friends support my sister's claim that a lot of people in my age group (25-30) are getting married. Though these marriage related updates have nothing to do with me directly, they do have some implications for me. The most annoying, which many singles in the aforementioned age group can attest to, is answering questions from relatives and family friends about when my turn will be. 

The other implication, that is apart from worrying about purchasing too many aso-ebi's at often too high a cost, is thinking (often worrying) about how I don't want to get married and how I can possibly avoid it altogether. Indeed while I rejoice with and for people I know who have taken this bold step, they're often a reminder of deep seated fear I have. 

I do not come from a broken home. My parents have been married for thirty-five years, they say they're happy and I believe them. They have raised their three girls along with at least three other children from deceased siblings, and have done a tremendous job at it. As far as role models are concerned, I believe I have good ones. Note, this is not to say that my parents' marriage has been ride in the park. I would be lying if I said that there weren't circumstances in their marriage that have fed my fear.

My fear is largely fed by the rate of infidelity and [physical] abuse that happen in marriages and how they seem to be ignored by parties within and outside the marriages. Below are some cases of infidelity and abuse that I have come to be aware of:

Case 1: a newlywed, at most two months into the marriage cheats while out of town for a short while.

Case 2: in their second year of marriage, this woman finds out her husband has denied her and his child to a woman he was dating 

Case 3: in this marriage, most arguments turn into a fight where the woman is at the receiving end of the beating. Ten years and counting

Case 4: an argument between the couple in case 2 heats up, and the husband hits his wife. She was pregnant with their second child. 

These are only three marriages but I know more, with similar issues. I see/hear these stories and I think why the hell would I want to get myself in such a situation for? I am certain that there are other circumstances in these marriages that I am unaware of, but are these circumstances so good as to make up for [continued] abuse and/or infidelity?

If I can neither trust nor be safe [which is an issue of trust] around the person I am married to, why would I want to stay in that relationship?

I don't undermine the support that spouses provide, or at least, are supposed to provide each other. And I have come to understand that marriages serve a higher purpose than the solidification of a romantic relationship between two people, however my fear still stands. And no, thinking that if I do get married my marriage would be an exception does not help either. I can bet one or both parties in the aforementioned marriages believed their marriages would be different. 

What's more worrying is our society's up-turned nose towards divorce. It's almost as if once you're in you can't get out no matter how bad the situation gets. There's some religious basis [in Christianity at least] for that, but I strongly believe that the need to shame others in order to feel better about ourselves also drives our general attitude towards divorce. As such, my aunt who has been in a physically abusive marriage for ten years has stayed put, in spite of both families (hers & his) being aware of the abuse.

Perhaps we have come to take for granted the deeper significance of marriage and as a result have no regards for the greater consequences of our actions within the institution. Perhaps romantic love alone is not sufficient to sustain our marriages, and we need to seek deeper to find what will? Or maybe this is really what marriage is *cringes*,  and dealing with issues like these and somehow not losing one's self is the test that married couples are supposed to endure?

Here’s what I have come to believe: marriage has [seemingly] become a mere societal expectation we're supposed to fulfill upon reaching, and exceeding a certain age.  It is not necessarily clear why we should do this, and it seems we largely don't care [and if we do, then we are not talking about it enough]. As a result there are many failed marriages where parties involved have resorted to living out the rest of their lives in misery, very likely due to negative attitudes [at least in this society] to divorce.

While writing this I had an epiphany that has surprisingly resolved some of my doubts. It occurred to me that it would take two people who understand and agree on what the purpose of marriage is for the marriage to work. They also have to be willing to fully participate and take seriously their roles and responsibilities within the institution in order for it to function properly.

If the above is the key to a successful marriage, or at least gets couples on the right track, then I’m aware of a few couples who need to reevaluate their relationship. And don’t even get me started on hopeful singles who need to question their understanding and willingness to perform within the institution.

Marriage & Sex: between a rock and a hard place (yes, pun!)

Three years ago I met a man who quickly sparked my interest. He was not the most physically attractive man that I had ever met or gone out with, but what he didn't have in looks he made up for with intellect, wit, and a profound understanding of human behavior. He was well read, and as that time, was rounding up a PhD dissertation in criminology, I believe.

Our conversations revolved mainly around politics, conspiracy theories, terrorism, religion, and the likes. It wasn't always so serious, we did try to get to know each other, which, speaking for myself, is where the most fun is. Over the years I have developed an interest in listening to people talk about themselves, you can learn a great deal about how a person perceives themselves by what they say about themselves. And often, we learn to treat others based on their perception of themselves which is reflected in the way they speak about themselves.

I digress.

Ol' dude was married, a minor detail I picked up at the end of the second date. The other minor detail, his three kids, I found out about later. When I confronted him about seeing other women behind his wife's back, he quickly told me it was something he could do if he wished. After all, his religion allowed him to have more than one wife. I shrugged it off. It wasn't my place to fight his wife's battle. I, however, didn't want to see him again, something I made very clear.

What I found interesting about the encounter, and what is most relevant to this post was something he said to me in an attempt to get me to allow him see me again. He out-rightly told me that he could not sexually engage with his wife the way he wanted to, because she would not be opened to the things he wanted in the bedroom. However he believed that I was a "progressive" and "modern" woman who would be more inclined to satisfying his sexual fantasies.

I was recently reminded of that experience and began to ask the following : how much of our so-called sexual desires (or fantasies) is influenced by the media? And in serious relationships that often tend to end in marriage, how important is it to be honest about the things that we find sexually satisfying? People's attitudes towards sex, and their perception of it are different, and often influenced by the values and norms of their societies. At least they are, until there is an exchange of ideas between people from different cultures, as is now being easily facilitated by the internet.

That said, I am mostly more interested in the latter question. The world has gone nuts, and the people with it. Or maybe it's the other way round. Whatever the case, I'm of the opinion that when choosing partners it is important to be completely honest about everything. Yes, sex included. I'd rather deal with a relationship that fails because we are sexually incompatible than deal with infidelity in marriage. Which, as I have found, is how some people choose to deal with their incompatibility.

Whether we're for it or against it, people are influenced a lot by the things they hear, watch, and read. [I'm tempted to blame the internet for the world going nuts, but even I have a great appreciation for the internet and the purposes it has continued to serve in my life.] The people we might be engaging with might be into somethings (sexually or otherwise) we are not, and us, things they are not into as well.

My advice? Proceed with honesty. Of course it is important to establish trust in your relationships before delving into the delicate issues. Said delicate issues need to be discussed in a safe space, and a safe space is crucial for honesty. People begin to panic and lie when they don't feel safe, and I think that's exactly what we are trying to avoid.