The relationship I alluded to at the end of my previous post seems to have crashed and burned. This morning, following two days of exchanging words, I was blocked on WhatsApp - the medium that was our primary means of communication due to the distance involved (he's in the U.S., I'm in Nigeria, and there's a 6 hour time difference.)
I had a strong feeling of sadness one evening, two years ago, shortly after we had become a couple. He asked me why I was sad, because I'd begun to sob, and I told him that I had just gotten 'the feeling' that he was going to leave. I don't remember what happened after that, whether he reassured me or not, but I do remember that he was understanding and non-dismissal of what I was feeling. **he did leave, for the U.S. exactly a year later**
These were the qualities that had made him so special to me. The things I had to constantly explain to people - about myself, a situation, or life in general, he just always seemed to get and understand. Perhaps because he had more life experience than the others before him, after all, there was a 15 year age gap, but that didn't matter because he got me. There was also a great deal of patience, and tenderness. Being with him felt like being home, and this is perhaps one of the lessons life is trying to teach me; you can't make/find a home in others, especially when there are still parts of you you haven't opened up to and accepted yet.
Speaking of parts of me I haven't accepted, apparently I had changed, I had become bitter and he wouldn't have bitterness in his space. Yes, I have changed, and I am still changing. Life really did me in last year, and it apparently is still at it. After spending so much money and time and energy applying to go back to school (for a PhD), 4 out of 6 institutions have turned me down. So my backup plan (after leaving my job) is really hanging by the threads here. Of course with all the rejections and growing uncertainty of where my life is headed, it's hard to be peachy, and so I don't blame him, and frankly, I don't blame myself either.
I want to make a case for myself; that while I am not entirely happy with my life situation, 'bitter' is quite an exaggeration of my general state of being at this time. It hurt to be called that, especially by someone who I thought knew me, and had definitely seen me when I was at my best. I find myself doubting that he even knew me at all.
I know that I would have let that relationship go a long time ago if I didn't feel like needed it, and perhaps I did. However, it's gone now and since I have exhausted my tears in the last few months, I have none to shed. Also, I get "the feeling" that I have not seen the last of him yet, so maybe it's too soon to cry him a river. We'll see.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Friday, March 2, 2018
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Marriage & Sex: between a rock and a hard place (yes, pun!)
Three years ago I met a man who quickly sparked my interest. He was not the most physically attractive man that I had ever met or gone out with, but what he didn't have in looks he made up for with intellect, wit, and a profound understanding of human behavior. He was well read, and as that time, was rounding up a PhD dissertation in criminology, I believe.
Our conversations revolved mainly around politics, conspiracy theories, terrorism, religion, and the likes. It wasn't always so serious, we did try to get to know each other, which, speaking for myself, is where the most fun is. Over the years I have developed an interest in listening to people talk about themselves, you can learn a great deal about how a person perceives themselves by what they say about themselves. And often, we learn to treat others based on their perception of themselves which is reflected in the way they speak about themselves.
I digress.
Ol' dude was married, a minor detail I picked up at the end of the second date. The other minor detail, his three kids, I found out about later. When I confronted him about seeing other women behind his wife's back, he quickly told me it was something he could do if he wished. After all, his religion allowed him to have more than one wife. I shrugged it off. It wasn't my place to fight his wife's battle. I, however, didn't want to see him again, something I made very clear.
What I found interesting about the encounter, and what is most relevant to this post was something he said to me in an attempt to get me to allow him see me again. He out-rightly told me that he could not sexually engage with his wife the way he wanted to, because she would not be opened to the things he wanted in the bedroom. However he believed that I was a "progressive" and "modern" woman who would be more inclined to satisfying his sexual fantasies.
I was recently reminded of that experience and began to ask the following : how much of our so-called sexual desires (or fantasies) is influenced by the media? And in serious relationships that often tend to end in marriage, how important is it to be honest about the things that we find sexually satisfying? People's attitudes towards sex, and their perception of it are different, and often influenced by the values and norms of their societies. At least they are, until there is an exchange of ideas between people from different cultures, as is now being easily facilitated by the internet.
That said, I am mostly more interested in the latter question. The world has gone nuts, and the people with it. Or maybe it's the other way round. Whatever the case, I'm of the opinion that when choosing partners it is important to be completely honest about everything. Yes, sex included. I'd rather deal with a relationship that fails because we are sexually incompatible than deal with infidelity in marriage. Which, as I have found, is how some people choose to deal with their incompatibility.
Whether we're for it or against it, people are influenced a lot by the things they hear, watch, and read. [I'm tempted to blame the internet for the world going nuts, but even I have a great appreciation for the internet and the purposes it has continued to serve in my life.] The people we might be engaging with might be into somethings (sexually or otherwise) we are not, and us, things they are not into as well.
My advice? Proceed with honesty. Of course it is important to establish trust in your relationships before delving into the delicate issues. Said delicate issues need to be discussed in a safe space, and a safe space is crucial for honesty. People begin to panic and lie when they don't feel safe, and I think that's exactly what we are trying to avoid.
Our conversations revolved mainly around politics, conspiracy theories, terrorism, religion, and the likes. It wasn't always so serious, we did try to get to know each other, which, speaking for myself, is where the most fun is. Over the years I have developed an interest in listening to people talk about themselves, you can learn a great deal about how a person perceives themselves by what they say about themselves. And often, we learn to treat others based on their perception of themselves which is reflected in the way they speak about themselves.
I digress.
Ol' dude was married, a minor detail I picked up at the end of the second date. The other minor detail, his three kids, I found out about later. When I confronted him about seeing other women behind his wife's back, he quickly told me it was something he could do if he wished. After all, his religion allowed him to have more than one wife. I shrugged it off. It wasn't my place to fight his wife's battle. I, however, didn't want to see him again, something I made very clear.
What I found interesting about the encounter, and what is most relevant to this post was something he said to me in an attempt to get me to allow him see me again. He out-rightly told me that he could not sexually engage with his wife the way he wanted to, because she would not be opened to the things he wanted in the bedroom. However he believed that I was a "progressive" and "modern" woman who would be more inclined to satisfying his sexual fantasies.
I was recently reminded of that experience and began to ask the following : how much of our so-called sexual desires (or fantasies) is influenced by the media? And in serious relationships that often tend to end in marriage, how important is it to be honest about the things that we find sexually satisfying? People's attitudes towards sex, and their perception of it are different, and often influenced by the values and norms of their societies. At least they are, until there is an exchange of ideas between people from different cultures, as is now being easily facilitated by the internet.
That said, I am mostly more interested in the latter question. The world has gone nuts, and the people with it. Or maybe it's the other way round. Whatever the case, I'm of the opinion that when choosing partners it is important to be completely honest about everything. Yes, sex included. I'd rather deal with a relationship that fails because we are sexually incompatible than deal with infidelity in marriage. Which, as I have found, is how some people choose to deal with their incompatibility.
Whether we're for it or against it, people are influenced a lot by the things they hear, watch, and read. [I'm tempted to blame the internet for the world going nuts, but even I have a great appreciation for the internet and the purposes it has continued to serve in my life.] The people we might be engaging with might be into somethings (sexually or otherwise) we are not, and us, things they are not into as well.
My advice? Proceed with honesty. Of course it is important to establish trust in your relationships before delving into the delicate issues. Said delicate issues need to be discussed in a safe space, and a safe space is crucial for honesty. People begin to panic and lie when they don't feel safe, and I think that's exactly what we are trying to avoid.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Nagging
When you hear the word ‘nag’ or ‘nagging’ I am pretty sure the image that comes to mind is that of a woman, and why not? Women are society’s naggers. Or at least that’s what I’ve come to believe. The idea however that every nagging individual is a woman, or that men don’t nag is a rather false one which I believe many people choose to ignore because, there’s nothing that can be done about it, and, they (I’m talking about men here) are not the face of nagging otherwise something would have been done to change that.
What people fail to realize about nagging is that it’s a two way street. An article on The Wall Street Journal stated that the partner being nagged is just as much part of the problem as the partner doing the nagging. The writer goes further to say that women are more likely to nag “…largely because they are conditioned to feel more responsible for managing home and family life. And they tend to be more sensitive to early signs of problems in a relationship. When women ask for something and don't get a response, they are quicker to realize something is wrong.”
At this point I’m beginning to wonder why I can’t get a response when I ask the first time, and the article provides an answer “men are to blame, too, because they don't always give a clear answer. Sure, a husband might tune his wife out because he is annoyed; nagging can make him feel like a little boy being scolded by his mother. But many times he doesn't respond because he doesn't know the answer yet, or he knows the answer will disappoint her.”
What I’m gathering is that in a bid to prevent a bigger problem, nagged-partners choose to ignore provide unclear responses or none at all to the nagging-partners who continue to demand for responses to a point where it becomes a problem for the nagged-partners. Which begs the question, why not just answer them already?
In discussions about relationships where nagging is involved, the part the nagged-partner plays never comes up, for me this paints half a picture. It creates the illusion that the nagging-partner has some issues he/she needs to work through. What I am pretty certain about is that it has to be annoying to remind someone to do something over and over again. And I’d ask that next time we are tempted to accuse our partners of nagging, maybe we should take a second to see just how we are aiding the process.
What people fail to realize about nagging is that it’s a two way street. An article on The Wall Street Journal stated that the partner being nagged is just as much part of the problem as the partner doing the nagging. The writer goes further to say that women are more likely to nag “…largely because they are conditioned to feel more responsible for managing home and family life. And they tend to be more sensitive to early signs of problems in a relationship. When women ask for something and don't get a response, they are quicker to realize something is wrong.”
At this point I’m beginning to wonder why I can’t get a response when I ask the first time, and the article provides an answer “men are to blame, too, because they don't always give a clear answer. Sure, a husband might tune his wife out because he is annoyed; nagging can make him feel like a little boy being scolded by his mother. But many times he doesn't respond because he doesn't know the answer yet, or he knows the answer will disappoint her.”
What I’m gathering is that in a bid to prevent a bigger problem, nagged-partners choose to ignore provide unclear responses or none at all to the nagging-partners who continue to demand for responses to a point where it becomes a problem for the nagged-partners. Which begs the question, why not just answer them already?
In discussions about relationships where nagging is involved, the part the nagged-partner plays never comes up, for me this paints half a picture. It creates the illusion that the nagging-partner has some issues he/she needs to work through. What I am pretty certain about is that it has to be annoying to remind someone to do something over and over again. And I’d ask that next time we are tempted to accuse our partners of nagging, maybe we should take a second to see just how we are aiding the process.
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