Three years ago I met a man who quickly sparked my interest. He was not the most physically attractive man that I had ever met or gone out with, but what he didn't have in looks he made up for with intellect, wit, and a profound understanding of human behavior. He was well read, and as that time, was rounding up a PhD dissertation in criminology, I believe.
Our conversations revolved mainly around politics, conspiracy theories, terrorism, religion, and the likes. It wasn't always so serious, we did try to get to know each other, which, speaking for myself, is where the most fun is. Over the years I have developed an interest in listening to people talk about themselves, you can learn a great deal about how a person perceives themselves by what they say about themselves. And often, we learn to treat others based on their perception of themselves which is reflected in the way they speak about themselves.
I digress.
Ol' dude was married, a minor detail I picked up at the end of the second date. The other minor detail, his three kids, I found out about later. When I confronted him about seeing other women behind his wife's back, he quickly told me it was something he could do if he wished. After all, his religion allowed him to have more than one wife. I shrugged it off. It wasn't my place to fight his wife's battle. I, however, didn't want to see him again, something I made very clear.
What I found interesting about the encounter, and what is most relevant to this post was something he said to me in an attempt to get me to allow him see me again. He out-rightly told me that he could not sexually engage with his wife the way he wanted to, because she would not be opened to the things he wanted in the bedroom. However he believed that I was a "progressive" and "modern" woman who would be more inclined to satisfying his sexual fantasies.
I was recently reminded of that experience and began to ask the following : how much of our so-called sexual desires (or fantasies) is influenced by the media? And in serious relationships that often tend to end in marriage, how important is it to be honest about the things that we find sexually satisfying? People's attitudes towards sex, and their perception of it are different, and often influenced by the values and norms of their societies. At least they are, until there is an exchange of ideas between people from different cultures, as is now being easily facilitated by the internet.
That said, I am mostly more interested in the latter question. The world has gone nuts, and the people with it. Or maybe it's the other way round. Whatever the case, I'm of the opinion that when choosing partners it is important to be completely honest about everything. Yes, sex included. I'd rather deal with a relationship that fails because we are sexually incompatible than deal with infidelity in marriage. Which, as I have found, is how some people choose to deal with their incompatibility.
Whether we're for it or against it, people are influenced a lot by the things they hear, watch, and read. [I'm tempted to blame the internet for the world going nuts, but even I have a great appreciation for the internet and the purposes it has continued to serve in my life.] The people we might be engaging with might be into somethings (sexually or otherwise) we are not, and us, things they are not into as well.
My advice? Proceed with honesty. Of course it is important to establish trust in your relationships before delving into the delicate issues. Said delicate issues need to be discussed in a safe space, and a safe space is crucial for honesty. People begin to panic and lie when they don't feel safe, and I think that's exactly what we are trying to avoid.
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