Marriage & Sex: between a rock and a hard place (yes, pun!)

Three years ago I met a man who quickly sparked my interest. He was not the most physically attractive man that I had ever met or gone out with, but what he didn't have in looks he made up for with intellect, wit, and a profound understanding of human behavior. He was well read, and as that time, was rounding up a PhD dissertation in criminology, I believe.

Our conversations revolved mainly around politics, conspiracy theories, terrorism, religion, and the likes. It wasn't always so serious, we did try to get to know each other, which, speaking for myself, is where the most fun is. Over the years I have developed an interest in listening to people talk about themselves, you can learn a great deal about how a person perceives themselves by what they say about themselves. And often, we learn to treat others based on their perception of themselves which is reflected in the way they speak about themselves.

I digress.

Ol' dude was married, a minor detail I picked up at the end of the second date. The other minor detail, his three kids, I found out about later. When I confronted him about seeing other women behind his wife's back, he quickly told me it was something he could do if he wished. After all, his religion allowed him to have more than one wife. I shrugged it off. It wasn't my place to fight his wife's battle. I, however, didn't want to see him again, something I made very clear.

What I found interesting about the encounter, and what is most relevant to this post was something he said to me in an attempt to get me to allow him see me again. He out-rightly told me that he could not sexually engage with his wife the way he wanted to, because she would not be opened to the things he wanted in the bedroom. However he believed that I was a "progressive" and "modern" woman who would be more inclined to satisfying his sexual fantasies.

I was recently reminded of that experience and began to ask the following : how much of our so-called sexual desires (or fantasies) is influenced by the media? And in serious relationships that often tend to end in marriage, how important is it to be honest about the things that we find sexually satisfying? People's attitudes towards sex, and their perception of it are different, and often influenced by the values and norms of their societies. At least they are, until there is an exchange of ideas between people from different cultures, as is now being easily facilitated by the internet.

That said, I am mostly more interested in the latter question. The world has gone nuts, and the people with it. Or maybe it's the other way round. Whatever the case, I'm of the opinion that when choosing partners it is important to be completely honest about everything. Yes, sex included. I'd rather deal with a relationship that fails because we are sexually incompatible than deal with infidelity in marriage. Which, as I have found, is how some people choose to deal with their incompatibility.

Whether we're for it or against it, people are influenced a lot by the things they hear, watch, and read. [I'm tempted to blame the internet for the world going nuts, but even I have a great appreciation for the internet and the purposes it has continued to serve in my life.] The people we might be engaging with might be into somethings (sexually or otherwise) we are not, and us, things they are not into as well.

My advice? Proceed with honesty. Of course it is important to establish trust in your relationships before delving into the delicate issues. Said delicate issues need to be discussed in a safe space, and a safe space is crucial for honesty. People begin to panic and lie when they don't feel safe, and I think that's exactly what we are trying to avoid.

Learning to Say 'No'

My sister's anxious message interrupted my thesis writing to inform me that a mutual friend of ours who is getting married was on her neck to purchase the attire (aka aso ebi) for the wedding day. Problem was, my sister couldn't afford the aso ebi and wouldn't take on a debt, y'know, collect the material and pay for it later, and she didn't know how to break the news to this friend of ours.

The solution I offered was this: tell her you have other financial obligations and would rather not take on a debt.

Simple, right? Apparently not, because I have been in the same spot before, and due to my inability to say no and stick by my no, I did assume the debt and was so close to being humiliated by the lady to whom I was indebted. And this was just a year ago, I ended up missing the wedding because I had to leave town for a few days, which was really okay because the tailor screwed up my dress and I didn't want to wear it out in public.

Anyway. In the past year I have learned so much about being my authentic self at all times, trusting my feelings, and setting boundaries. What these three things have in common is that they often require me to say 'no' more often than I usually would. So in being authentic, I'd have to say no to my ego when it to start to take over control of my thoughts, words, and actions. In trusting my feelings, I'd have to say no when I am not comfortable with a person, an arrangement or a situation. And finally, in setting boundaries (which is a point of weakness for me), especially when dealing one-on-one with a person, I have learned that it is important to be clear about my expectations from my interaction with whoever it is, and not to allow the boundaries I've drawn be violated. For me, in the past this meant saying no to many people and situations which I didn't always have the courage to.

Even having learnt a lot about being true to myself and saying no, it is still somewhat of struggle. Often because I want to be 'nice' and not hurt anyone's feelings, which begs the question, 'who is taking care of my feelings if I am busy violating them so that others can be happy with me?'

Perhaps there are other root causes, but I have found that the inability to say no, or the desire to please everyone but ourselves, is rooted in our self-worth or the lack thereof. So it's a situation where you are only able to value yourself when your words/actions are validated by others. In which case you'd do anything- even things dishonoring to yourself- to get that outside validation because that is the only way you can feel good about yourself. This often translates into our fear of how others will react when we say no to them.

Or maybe it's not that deep. Maybe we were just never taught to say no. Which begs the question, 'are't we then as adults supposed to be able to say no without feeling some type of way about it?'

I advise taking the time to be introspective and consider where our difficulties saying no stem from. Once we are able to figure that out we can proceed by taking the necessary steps we need to in order to be able to honor ourselves and say no when that's what really needs to be said.

From personal experience I can say that the 'necessary steps' moving forward have included being truthful- first to myself, and to whoever I'm dealing with, and not letting the other person's [expected] reaction deter me from doing/saying what I believe is most honoring to myself.